BREAKING THE YOKE OF TRIBALISM FROM KAKA AND DADA TAG BY COASTAL LADIES

“Human nature, as manifested in tribalism and nationalism, provides the momentum of the machinery of human evolution.-Arthur Keith (1946) Essays on Human Evolution. p. 68”

From the foregoing quote,I was once asked,” Why is it that indigenous Coastal people rarely date each other once they come to Nairobi". And my response;
"Once Coastal guys come to Nairobi, our ladies all of a sudden call us KAKA. With this KAKA tag, come a lot of expectations. That is you are forced to call the lady DADA".
Now once you identify with the two-KAKA and DADA...You become family by consanguinity and affinity...Don't forget that the family tree started with ADAM and EVE in the beginning. A result of creation theory; as Historians claim since they believe we evolved from apes. Charles Darwin must have been crazy to say we were apes before. Anyway call an African an ape/monkey today and our ancestral traits are resurrected. Look at African footballers reactions in Europe.

Back to my love story…
Coastal guys are then prompted to date women from other communities. We learn the hard way to up our seduction game or we will be rendered vestigial in this competitive Nairobi environment. A once enigma of love in Coast becomes redundant if not careful. We are forced to read books like "FIFTY SHADES OF GREY". The coastal guys who lack a reading culture have no option but to listen to tales of how Nairobi guys hook up with "Chicks" in clubs for one night stands. Tales which sound like Disney Fantasy World. The problem is, when a Coastal guy sees alcohol, seduction becomes a facade. Ask me; give a coastal guy an option of "MNAZI" and a "Chick". He will pick “MNAZI” because to us a chick is a delicacy cooked on special occasions.


We no longer want to be identified with the Swahili Proverb, "Jogoo la Shamba Haliwiki Nairobi".
The coastal guys pull a lot of tricks from the basics to pure refinement of skills only witnessed in Soap Operas. Coastal guys want to pull a "Bukusu Darling" stunt. We were all awed by these two love misfits. A Bukusu guy with an Indian lady Ghai fafa! No one could fathom that. It is like motley of a black man and white lady mannequin who forever will remain that way so the lady's father hopes. All of a sudden the Indian Caste has crumbled to a beautiful blossoming love affair. What remains next is to see how far this inter-racial dating will go. Anyway, my main concern is; when is the lady's father going to pay dowry???.The young Bukusu man will be in a weird dowry negotiation ceremony since the traditional courtship and marriage of the Bukusu people will be vanquished.
The Bukusu man will no longer be able to give cattle as dowry which has a lot of significance among the Bukusu people.

Let me break it down for you how it would have been;
The first cow is known as ‘ekhafu ye khusera’ (a cow for proposing to the Indian lady). The second cow is known as ‘ye situru’ (a cow for making the breasts of a lady droop ‪#‎hides). The third cow is known as ‘yembako’ (for the traditional chores she will do once married). Fourth cow is known as ‘ya khocha’ (for the brother to her mother). The fifth is for ‘lukosi’ (for ones love for his wife). The rest of the cows will be for general well being to the Indian-laws.
However, lets all hold our breathe and wait.
Anyway, the beauty of all this is that we end up breaking the atomic and ionic bond of tribalism. We breathe in fresh air into ethnic diversity.
We demystify the tag that men from other tribes are not men enough.
We bring in creativity to love and empower each other in ways unimaginable. From social to political to economic empowerment name it.
And it all arose from the KAKA tag. With this Coastal guys have encountered Article 27 of the Constitution. We have realized it by all means “I’m-possible”.
So what does this Article 27 say because everyday people are shouting about it-politicians, NGOs, human rights activists, men and women in general, children et cetera.
Basically, it is about equality and freedom from discrimination. If the zeal people shout about this Article in the media was applied in relationships, love would have been the most beautiful thing ever in Kenya, our economic background not withstanding. It will be equivalent to an OASIS in hell.
Too bad the ones who shout loud about this are the same people who curse other tribes in determining who their daughters or sons will marry. How many times have you heard of tales that Coastal guys are lazy???
Duh indigenous Coastal guys cook for themselves. And not just cook, they cook things women hear of and imagine. Name them, pilau, biriani, coconut-laced rice not drug-laced et cetera.e are not bragging, but our trumpets just blew on their own accord.

If you can be enticed by and run after a buffet of Swahili delicacies,Githeri, Mokimo,Dagaa, Tsimbande, Tsing'oli, Ngima, Kuon,Obusuma, Ingoho, Anjera, Bhatura,Chole Bahature,Poha,Wari and  Kadsora in a Five-Star Hotel,Why can't you embrace diversity just like a buffet?

Anyway,we do our own laundry to perfection. We iron our clothes with exquisite prowess. We hustle in Nairobi to make ends meet sometimes. We have even gone to schools. We have doctorates where I come from so you know!!!
Anyway, if that does not qualify to be hard-working, then we are proud LAZY Coastal guys lol…
Thanks to all the Coastal ladies in Nairobi for pushing us to the limit in seeking ladies from other regions. You have made us competitive with limited resources. We are now blessed with high intelligence quotient. You have made us break the yoke of tribalism finally.
I encourage men and women from Central, Western, Nyanza even Eastern etc, to come to Coast and fall in love with what we have as we venture into their territories armed to the teeth with goodies from Coast.
With this, we will finally embrace each other as Kenyans. Tribalism starts from our houses. Lets break it with inter-ethnic marriages. My Bukusu Darling has inspired us beyond our cacophonic sycophancy of tribal patronage, lets make our dreams valid.
It starts with you!
Big up to all the guys dating from different tribes and in inter-racial relationships. Allow me to finish with this quote because I am getting excited to continue writing this as the fountain of wisdom continuously flows in my veins,
“I think tribalism is a mental prison…and pride of identity coupled with arrogance is one of the leading factors that limit one’s ability to abandon it”- Duop Chak Wuol

DEATH POSTPONED-THE BEGINNING OF THE TRILOGY

For the first time, I have broken down into tears since the robbery incident. The day is Saturday, 22nd March, the time is 7.20 pm, and tears have been rolling down my face uncontrollably for the last 15 minutes.
By sharing this out,I hope to get closure and forget what happened at the blink of my eyes.

The reality is starting to sink in that I would have been dead now. The incident of 20th March,2014 has started to haunt me finally. The time was 6.40pm.I am shaking all alone in the house. The memory of a revolver gun being pointed at me makes me fill dead already. My dream of being an advocate would have now been cut short. If he had pulled the trigger, I am sure the bullet would have hit my heart.

The words of the gangster keep on flashing back.”Unajuwa hii ni nini?”, as he unleashed the revolver which was meticulously hidden above his groin and under his brown jacket. I remember freezing and nodding in unison and saying,”ndio najuwa”.

As his fellow gangster came close to me shouting,”Leta hiyo laptop”, not knowing that the hp laptop bag had only a six-quire Kasuku book heavy enough to be mistaken for an expensive laptop, and other documents. I am still traumatized that they stole my humanity. My two favourite ties and my pocket Constitution of Kenya 2010 were carefully placed in the bag. I mostly used these items in discharging my lawyerly duties.

My appearance may have fooled them that I am a very rich person not knowing the nature of my profession requires me to put on a suit often whether it’s cheap or expensive.

My Nokia Xpress phone to which I had a sentimental attachment was taken away while I was holding Khs.40 and roasted maize on my hand. One of the gangsters came behind me, and took away my wallet swiftly. I could feel the barrel of the revolver on my spine as he ransacked my pockets.

In the process, my house keys fell down and the gangster shouted,”Chukua hizi funguo zako”…Oooh my, my heartbeat was more than 72 times per minutes. Probably 70 times 70.I had to remain calm and co-operate. Any form of resistance would have resulted to dire consequences.

As I continue writing this, my tears are drying on my face. My eyes are becoming clearer and I feel born again before lapsing back to the incident again.I want to forget what happened, but as in other situations, one should always forgive but always remember what happened to them.

I watched helplessly as my leather wallet was being tacked into the gangster’s pocket while he was grinning. He must have thought that he had hit a jackpot. Too bad for him, apart from my IDs and ATM, He will only find Ksh.1000.I am not saying it is little money. For me as a student that’s a lot, but for the gangsters, once they split it among themselves, they will each have Ksh.333.3333333.

Probably they will curse me later wondering what a guy in a smartly dressed suit was doing with only Khs.1000 in his wallet.Unfortunately; they will learn that I was just an average Kenyan trying to make an honest living through hard work.

I had mistaken that only one of them had a gun, only to realize later that two of them were armed. My friend, Donex lost his bag. Lucky for him he disappeared into thin air towards the nearby petrol station, never to see him again. I learnt later that he ran towards a matatu and alighted at Dagoretti corner. The speed, with which he did this, is still astounding. I believe he can beat Usain Bolt any day. I salute this guy for his supersonic and lightening speed. God give you long life my brother.

Another Kenya School of Law colleague,Serah, also ran away. If you imagine how she did it, then you will be surprised. She was fast. She is a cheetah. I bet she can beat Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce or Veronica Campbell-Brown in the 100 meters women sprint .To imagine that a week earlier, thieves had made away with her laptop and TV from the house would have been an abomination. I now understand what made her sprint that fast.

As for Timnah, the robbery was more than real to her than me. As she was clinging to her laptop bag, one of the gangsters shouted at the other gangster who was trying everything possibly to snatch it away,”piga huyu risasi”…Those words were more than enough to make any normal Kenyan to wet themselves.

Reluctantly, she complied and they took away her bag which contained her beautiful laptop and other relevant documents.

In case you face such a situation in future,God forbid,always co-operate with the gangsters and be calm.Being nervous will make them irrational.The reason being that during such occasions,the gangsters are confident and  have unwarranted fear at the same time which makes them impulsive.

Before I knew it, the gangsters walked away briskly as if nothing had happened while saying;”Piga kelele uone”.They crossed Ngong Road and went into the forest.

Kenyans in their usual manners started crowding and pointing,”Hawa ndo wameibiwa” and watching helplessly.

All this while, I was still holding my Ksh.40 and my roasted maize worth 10bob.When reality sank in, I thought to myself should I eat my maize or throw it away. I had really missed eating roasted maize. Too bad, the robbery incident had killed my appetite and I threw it away bitterly.

God, forgive me. My mother has always told me not to throw food away. If I “knew”, I would have carried the roasted maize home as my souvenir or supper.

One moment I was thinking of what was stolen, the next moment whether I was really alive or dead. The sight of my friend crying brought me back to life. And as a man, I had to stand up to the occasion and act strong for my lady friend. The man’s role as a protector had been completely diminished in this scenario.

I just watched helplessly and wished I had enough adrenaline to run after the thieves. Moments like this, you wish you were “Clark Kent in Smallville” only to realize everything done in Hollywood is fiction and a fallacy.

Death always walks with us. The most important wealth is life. This moment taught me one important lesson which I will always keep on my mind. It is not worth to die over material wealth or lose integrity in the pursuit of money. Sometimes you have to let go to survive and live to fight another day.

My fellow victims, as advocates, one day we will be called upon to defend such people who commit atrocious vices. I do not know what I will do when a gangster walks into my office and says,

“Mimi ni mwizi sugu.Tafadhali ningependa uwe wakili wangu.”

This is where the “Cab-Rank Rule” will apply. To my non-lawyer or is it non-lawyerly friends, English is a foreign language not forgetting my mother tongue “Kiswahili” is almost impossible to write due to the influence of sheng.

Anyway back to “Cab-Rank Rule”, it simply means to represent a client no matter how unpleasant or unpopular they are.God, I do not think I will have the strength to do this.

So far, only my father and brother know about the incident. I am scared of telling my mother about it. I do not want her to get worried too much. She is my Iron Lady; my girlfriend will have to forgive me for saying this.

Hun, you are my pumpkin as you always say. Good gracious, you do not want to translate this word “pumpkin” to Kiswahili. It means “Malenge”.Whenever I think of this, I remember an incident my late grandmother, God rest her soul in peace, narrated to us.

A young handsome man got married to a beautiful aka pretty damsel long time ago. The damsel kept on calling her man “Ngiri”.Unfortunately, the man had never been to a Game Park and he only knew the “Big Five”. So he decided to go for honeymoon in the Maasai Mara with her newly wedded wife.

As they were taking a tour in the wild, they came across different animals; the husband asked out of curiosity what the name of a certain weird looking animal was. The tour guide answered, “That is a warthog. The one you call Ngiri in your Swahili culture”.

Oooh my, the husband turned towards the direction of the wife,”Mke wangu mpendwa, yaani Mimi nafanana na ngiri.Haya chukuwa talaka zako tatu.”

And the marriage ended abruptly. The wife lived happily ever after alone. Whether they reconciled or not, I have to wait until the day I meet with my grandmother in heaven again. I miss you grandma.

Anyway, a story would not be interesting without acknowledging the friends who have told me “pole” whenever we come across each other. Thank you guys, I am still alive and will keep on engaging with you at all levels. As for my housemate, Feisal, God bless you Sheikh. Thank you for the encouragement.

Whatever happens from now, I can only say this;

LUKE 12:5

“But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear Him who, after He has killed, has power to cast into hell; yes, I say to you, fear Him!”

 I have accepted and moved on the Kenyan way. To God be the Glory. Thank you God for another opportunity to live life.

My tears have disappeared by now; it is time to move on. My dream is still valid Lupita Nyo’ngo, “Better education, better job, and better money”. I did not know Lupita was a Kenyan-Mexican actress, as for me I am just a Chonyi-Rabai man….Chuckles….

As for now, my obituary has been postponed….It will have read something like this right now,

“The deceased left behind a degree certificate and other documents etc”…In the name of God and Jesus Christ, the devil has been defeated. And if I were to die again, I believe the script will be different. I pray it will read like this,

“The deceased left a family behind etc”….But God forbid this also, I want to live long enough to see judgment day.

Somebody shout an AMEN!

GLORY IS TO GOD.